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Lost

I realise its been like 1 year since i last posted on this blog. I used to post everyday. Omg.

And exactly like 1 yr ago i had a face flare. Bingo. Now im having one too.

Gah. This is my place to come to count my blessings and take it one day at a time.

Pretty bad this time. Its so red and raw. Its like rock bottom. Horrible. You seriously forget your good and bad days so fast. One week of good skin day and you’re like “IM READY TO WORK FULLTIME NOW”. Then bam. flare. Vicious cycle all over.

Im so ready to work on my candida. I think my root of all evil is candida. Thru taking olive leaf extract past month the tcm finally says my “coat” on my tongue is gone. Good news as an indicator of damp! Also i noticed my finger legions were better.

I was also taking glutathione after much raves in the whatsapp group. Not much of any observation tho. I took 500mg daily up til… i couldnt take the upcoming flare anymore.

So i bought oregano oil extract, serrapeptase(overhyped i guess) to try. Who knew that i would be in sucha big slump now?

So my brother offered to cook me some pasta with gyoza and i ate it. It was full of chilli flakes and gyoza was pan-fried. Regret max. So i would say this flare took 2 weeks to build and explode.

I learnt quite abit past few months. First was the mad search about candida. Cos i realise i have this white discharge thats bothering me. It gets better when i take probiotics religiously. It must be some… bacteria thingo. So i tried olive leaf extract. Seemed to work. 2 weeks+ later its reduced.

Then i read about biofilms. And targetting the yeast. Enzymes. Serrapeptase. Serrapeptase tho. Its touted as anti inflammatory, blood cleansing etc but i guess its not the time to take it for me. I wonder if its the height of the flare or serrapeptase itself, but i oozed more when i took it during that short few days. But i did ooze alot even after i stopped taking it. That was when i recognised my flare.

I stopped olive leaf extracts midway when i read about TH1 and TH2 balance. Since i guess im TH2 and olive leaf extract worsens it. But hey i actually got better taking it. ????

And then i restarted. cos the discharges were back.

Fingers crossed that i will be recovering my sanity soon. So i can get back on track to trying the rest of conquering candida. I have Pau D’arco, oregano oil, olive leaf, digestive enzymes… gonna buy grapeseed extract and Syntol? Maybe candidase?

So also recently there was a stream on fb talking about it. It was by Grace and Ben. Ben’s approach to TSW was to 1. Detox better then eat better, then something about targetting specific eczema types. TBH i was impressed. I thought it would be full of loop holes here and there.

I have the oozy eczema, i am sensitive to heaty food, and i have histamine intolerance. Eating “good” is so hard. F all the high histamine food. All i see about healing this crap is bone f broth, which is high histamines that i cant eat. F.

Well back to the stream. It got me wondering and i was very interested to follow what Ben has to say. Then i read on the internet and talked to my tcm. Seems my tcm doesnt really put “detox” as what he recommends for first time TSW. Can understand why. Ben says in his stream that something about skin problems are indication of liver problems. So for it to get well it needs liver detox. Okay… I was reading around online and some websites said if you detox first and your gut is leaky, its only gonna make u feel even worse. This was what i didnt want when i started on my TSW journey. I didnt want to flare.

So how now, brown cow? I guess i should go back to working on healing abit of my gut again. AGAIN, i say. I felt like i havent made much progress this past 3 years. Its been 3++ years f dam it. When is my life crisis gonna be over? I have been too passive depending on my tcm for everything. ugh. I think tcm ultimately cant clear all the candida from my system. That period of time that was good was incidentally after a course of antibiotics. Boom. And then sometime later i had antibiotics flare. WTH. Now im not sure if antibiotics is good or bad. But just 1 conclusion: GUT BACTERIA.

So what im gonna do when im better from this raw face flare, is to try L-glutamine. Im taking 1~2 digestive enzymes during meals recently, so hopefully, less undigested food to aggravate my gut. and plz heal abit too.

I noticed it again tho. During periods of flare, my mental health can be down the drain. I feel especially jittery. Especially after meals. I can feel it. The surge. I dont know if its the heat of the food making me hot or the food nutrients itself. I get anxiety attacks too. Not the super serious kind but i can feel it. It makes me itch and then my body is tensed and sort of “spirals” from there. Gets worse. And i got to calm myself down. And during good times i dont get this feeling. During good times i seem to be able to handle stress better.

I raid(game) with my group at night and its just unfortunate that currently im in a period of flare. It reminded me of the last ultimate raid. You just want to stop and chill and not raid.

Can i talk about how bad my face is flaring? It drips ooze. The baddest-baddest-worst day: the ooze drips. Every few minutes. Its so raw and sensitive when any wind blows. How the f did i sleep? Yeah. How the F. Im reminded of the good times when my skin is intact and i could lie sideways to browse on my phone. Also i am reminded of the bad days where the ooze sliding down my face makes me jump awake and wipe it with towels. Gosh. Fingers crossed that this phase will be over soon. Past few days its been slowly getting better. Plz get better soon, my dear skin.

I forgot to mention that the start of this month my apartment block was painting and i realise my skin getting worse. But i didnt expect this tbh. My family painted the apartment interior and i survived with no flares. Is facade paint more toxic? :S The base coat smelled terrible. The colourful coat is less pungent.

I wonder if the jitters are histamine(neurotransmitter) related. Histamine from inflammation? Its not like my flare is from histamine rich bone broth. Its from chilli flakes i think. And maybe a over-indulgent month of coffee? SIGH. I was having lots of coffee before this flare happened. Then i stopped. Coffee seems to be contributory. Tis what my gut feels. But F ITS SO GOOD.

OK enough rants this time.

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Day 616 – 1yr 8mths+ – Terrible

I feel terrible! I havent slept well for afew days now. I am so desperate that i am skipping zumba (2nd week now) to get home to eat some drowsy antihistamine in order to sleep -_- I just get SO FIDGETY in bed. I dont know why. Been trying deep sleep guided meditation but doesnt seem to work. I am also fidgety during the day. Like i feel an urge to shake my leg, or repeatedly stab something with a pen, move my hands etc. It feels like theres some pent up energy or something, sigh. And the more you let it indulge, i feel that u feel your blood vessels dilate and become more frustrated like you’re gonna bang a wall and explode. Terrible.

I am so gonna tell my naturopath that on friday this week. I think my body is still harbouring some histamines. Today i drank a cup of oolong bubble tea (sugarless) and felt alittle more itchy than usual. Must be the DAO-blocking effect.

Today i also learnt that estrogen causes histamine release and vice-versa 😦 This explains my usual worsening of symptoms pre-menses.

Also learnt that lectins makes leaky gut worse and also causes histamine to be released more.

I am so sold that i am histamine intolerant.

What i ate today:

brunch: banana, rice with beansprouts, cauliflower and cabbage, oolong tea with tapioca pearls

dinner: rice with dark green veggie and pea sprouts

Yesterday:

brunch: roast pork rice, papaya

dinner: rice vermicelli soup with little veg, lean pork and chicken

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Day 474 – 1yr 3mths+ – rant. 

The disgusted mrt passenger

this morning i had to Go for my weekly saturday morning japanese class in town. So i took the train and got a seat next to the priority seat(seat for needy passengers). 

At a certain stop came a women probably in her 50s. She was hurriedly looking for a seat and was probably relieved to find an empty one beside me. She sat down and i felt her heave a sigh of relief. But then she turned and saw me, probably my oozy crusty left cheek and probably felt disgusted. She kept turning to stare at me(i didnt turn to look but i could feel it). She was probably panicking cos she keep turning. And i turned to see her expression (if any) and if she was really looking and indeed! Shes looking. And then she touched her own left cheek while i glanced at her. She probably make a tsk and continue to turn. 

When i saw that shes bothered by my crusty cheek, I was practically rolling my eyes all the way 180, 360 degrees upside down, inside out and falling off inside my eye socket. WTF, is there anything wrong? Its not like im touching her or anything. Does she have to keep staring and act panicky? 

I know. I should not let her actions affect me. Afterall, she did not ask(thankfully) or wanted me to respond to her in anyway. But anyway, i turned to her and gave my UBER STINKY, BLACK, EYE ROLLING FACE. And turned back to look straight ahead.

I didnt care if she read my face right nor did i care about her reaction. After afew more minutes of panic, head turn, she stood up and held onto the pole. I figured shes disgusted by my ooze crusty cheek to want to sit beside me. 

———

Also went to see the tcm today after a week hiatus and back from taiwan. Im in a bad state i feel. Becos of the oozing crusty cheek and shit from people i get. And my overly concerned naggy parents. 

Flares on visible skin really takes a toll emotionally on top of physically skin wise. All the extra stress you gotta handle. Its easy to say to disregard them, but when you get machinegun-question-firing-concerned parents, that may be another thing altogether. I wonder if my cheek was as bad as my ankle, would people on the train keep an arms distance from me? 

I feel like i need to get my shit together. Should i brave the shit flare on my cheeks and try to work fulltime again? Jo is running out of money and doesnt feel like things will improve in the short run. Yet i want 2 weeks or so for the skin to calm down alittle. But theres no guarantee when it will truly be calm. Sigh.

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Day 263 – a concerned stranger

i woke up in the middle of the night again to scratch my left leg AND my right ankle. Darn. Left leg was quite raw in the morning. I totally hate washing off the tissue in the morning. And showering in the evening. Totally hate water ~_~

I went out alittle late in the morning, i went to grab biscuits and oreos from the supermarket, my sausage muffin mcd breakfast, then took a bus to my workplace. So i sat on a 2 seater and a lady sat beside me. I was kinda sleepy today, so after looking out the bus window, i closed my eyes for a short nap and placed my plastered fingers on top of my bag. I was kinda surprised to find the lady staring at my fingers afew times when i opened my eyes. To be honest, i had the “wtf are you staring at? …. These are my battle scars, im comfortable all plastered up, like i give a dam even if you stare” . I ignored her and she continued to stare. 

When i got ready to alight, she suddenly asked me: 

Lady: “miss, the red patches on your hand, are they recent or?” 

Me: “No, i had them for a long time since young.” 
Lady: “Do you eat chicken? Cos i had some red patches and when i stop eating, they’re gone.” *proceeds to show me her nice and soft skin on arms/elbow which doesnt even have much blemishes!* where are you red patches or even dry skin, lady?!

Me: “Yes i eat. I tried not eating before, its worse” i think at this point, she had a surprised look and didnt know how to answer. 

*end of encounter*

I think i blogged about eating chicken before.. I DID quit eating chicken for a period of time and my skin was oozing worse! When i stop eating chicken, i hardly eat other proteins and the shortage probably compounded the problem. My friend jokingly said “the hormones and steroids in chickens probably suppressed/controlled your eczema and made it better” lmao. 

Then when i was in office, my coworker asked what happened to my skin. Wtf. To be honest, i was there for afew months already and my fingers were ALWAYS and daily full of bandages, plasters n micropore tapes. Im tired and lazy to explain myself. 

Here is a pic of my hands. They arent too bad i think! 

   
 
What i ate today:

Breakfast: mcd sausage muffin

Lunch: salad (chicken with pepper, romaine lettuce, carrot, chickpeas, small cucumbers, roasted sesame dressing)

Others: oreo golden biscuits x3, papaya, 

Dinner: none

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Day 112 – peace

Woke up at 8am, slept again, finally got out of bed at 4.45-ish. Discovered lots of small scratches on calves, left arm… I cant remb already, what happened during the night, except my neck was very uncomfy -_- its like the most uncomfy part of me. I scratch and it burns, ooze? No idea. Its just darn uncomfy. 

Found the sun shining happily at 4+, so i ate my chicken rice in the kitchen and also sunned my legs for awhile there(abt 15mins). Its like the first time the sun directly hit my legs in a long time. At work or out, im always wearing long pants. 

Skin was alittle itchy at 6+. Mmm. It always feel sucky to wake up late. Its like, awhile later and its dark again. But gah, its so nice to sleep itchless! And when its the “official” time to sleep, its always erratic and choppy and not nice to sleep! Bah! 

I love my parents and am grateful for what they have done for me so far since TSW. 🙂 Jo you gotta be more patient with them! Told them i might be seeing TCM. Of cos they’re anxious. But im thinking seeing a TCM is just being mentally less taxing on me. Everyone needs a handholder during TSW.

What i ate today:

Lunch: chicken rice + juliet apple

Dinner: Chicken rice again and some guava

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Day 104 / 105 – multi scratch fests

Its been awful. Had afew scratch fests at night. Day 104 – it was my right calf i think. Day 105 – woke up with my right arm elbow insides so raw. It makes me tear each morning when i wake up. Argh, i really need some motivation and support these few days. So desperate for some healing. 

On a side note: my ears are oozing less. 🙂 left arm is burning less. 🙂 left arm is swelling less 🙂 

So how do i stop scratching at night? Million dollar question. It seems wrapping my arm in towels and a arm sock doesnt stop the itching. But im glad this morning i had some good sleep and felt less tired than day 104. 🙂

Should i supplement? Another million dollar question. I’ve been trying to eat more protein, but wells… :S f my laziness! Hahaha. Sorry for the f words. Im thankful for the long weekend. 

Been scouring itsan forums to search for anti itch answers but found not alot. My itch is okay in the day, but maddening at night. Its like at night, your trance scratching is just unstoppable while u are sleeping. Like you got to wake up, realise you are scratching then plop back down and mentally restraint your arm from scratching. 😑 shall post some pictures tonight or tomorrow.

What i ate yesterday: 

Chicken rice and 2 juliet organic apples

What i ate today: 

Chicken rice and some fish fillet, brocolli seeet sour pork take-out and also desloratadine and lemon ginger tea 🙂