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Wed 19 Feb 2020!

Its finally the eve of the next treatment.

Gotta say the past week has been tough.

LAST NIGHT WAS CRAPPY. I HAD AN ITCH FEST AND SO MUCH REGRETS. I scratched both my collarbones and the chest. FML.

So this morning i showered. Cus all that scratching, i gotta. I was like so dead in bed in the morning because im afraid to face the music. Im afraid to see the damage i did myself.

I washed off that crust in the shower on my chin. FML, i regret. That one moment of weakness..

In the afternoon, my face feels pretty dry and tight. And i have been picking at the scabs abit, some legit dry dropped off. The skin is still pretty bad underneath tho.

Also today on my right arm, theres alot more of those spots thats on other parts of my body.

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12 Feb 2020

Today’s small wins:

  • Woke up before 12.
  • Got out of bed before 3
  • Got showered before 3
  • Got ready for food before 3
  • Resisted overblasting my crusty face

YES. Keep up the good work Jo.

Taking a day at a time.

The ongoing wuhan / corona virus is kinda scary here in Singapore. We’re a super dense city. Part of me is disappointed that the government did not take decisive action at the start of the episode and now theres community spread that cant be traced and its too late. Probably tons of asymptomatic people spreading the bug around now. Praying we’ll all make it thru tho.

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Flares & Mental Health

Today i woke up and felt totally crap. Didnt really sleep well last night, i didnt take any melatonin. My sleep is really better with melatonin.

I find it really hard to get out of bed.

I wake up in the morning and my face is totally crust over with yellow crusts and sometimes you feel something break and yellow ooze coming out. Totally disgusting right? IKR.

So often i lie in bed and procrastinate waking up. I surf twitter.. instagram, forums, reddit etc on my phone until 3pm. Cus its the time my parents get home from work and all the chaos start. So i gotta get out of bed and shower by 3pm. I usually wake up at 2pm and sit for 1hr then pop into the shower.

Shower doesnt hurt and sting as bad as for other people i think. I just hate looking for clothes. Often i cant find clothes to wear because… well cant blame my parents doing laundry for me. When theres sucha thick crust on your face, its those days where you just take comfort in blasting the showerhead in your face to soften and try to wash off the crust. Its what i should do right? Cant have my face stiff all over.. But i feel like im doing more damage to my skin. And i think i am right. I spend too much time washing off the scab. Sometimes i end up dripping blood off my face.

But today there is some small wins. I totally fking got out of bed and into the shower. What a winner. On difficult days past month, i sit and “try” to get the lymph outta my head for awhile but sometimes i get stuck to the PC. For like 2 hours. Its bullshit i know but i cant help it. GOD HALP!!  AND TODAY I WAS READY FOR FOOD WHEN FOOD CAME. Wins.

I thought today is already wednesday but omg, its only tuesday. Im split. On 1 hand i wanna go to that SHC consultation asap.. on the other hand, going out into the public with a raw and oozing face is just.. terrifying. All the coronavirus stuff going on, saying not to touch your face. HOW CAN I NOT?! FML. Im like wiping/dabbing ooze on my face every 5 seconds. I booked a grab to get me to the clinic…

Praying for my sanity.

 

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Feb 2020

So guys. Its been terribly long. But everytime im mentally reminded to come back here, its never a good sign..

Current situation

Flaring. On the face. My cheeks, forehead, nose area, and left bit of chin is red, raw and oozy. Some parts of ear and shoulders too.

What happened:

I left my job in Jan 2020 because things are just getting out of hand. I felt too stressed at work. I struggled with negotiating my contract and pay rise and all.. when i got them all i couldnt keep it.. Okay anyways, at that point, yeah, the flaring on my face is starting. I had this spot near my nose on my right cheek which bleed when i scratch and there was oozy crust on it. It just grew and grew and affected my whole right cheek now, which is spreading to my left cheek and also my forehead. Yay me. And day by day, its continuing to go further on my face/head. Yay. It made me so lost and depressed. Like usually when i get a flare episode, its like 2 weeks in hell and things will turn around. But since it spiralled downwards, its been like a month and im legit panicking like mad.

My period this month is exceptionally light. I have no idea what it means. Google tells me, perhaps i was stressed AF?

What im about to do next

It feels terrible, when you are debilitated and lose a part of yourself. Before i began “caving” myself, as my friends call it, I was super active. I played badminton every weekend. I met my friends. I dated(CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!)

I booked an appointment with Skin Health Centre sg (SHC) on thurs. Many people from a whatsapp TSW Support group have been going, and they seem happy with their improvements, so i guess i should try it.

To be perfectly honest, my mental health was rock bottom last week. Perhaps it was compounded by PMS. I feel really lost. I’ve been in TSW for 5 years. FIVE YEARS. You would think it would get easier and easier, but no. Every flare episode is just as hard. Its even harder this time because, i’ve tasted that sweet break. That sweet 6months break last year, where i could function like a fking normal person. I still felt fked over by TSW tho. Like 5 years of missing out on work experience. 5years is a fking lot of experience. People in their 30s would have like.. 7yrs of experience but im just like.. IM LIKE A FKING FRESH GRAD, WHOS UNEMPLOYED MORE THAN EMPLOYED THUS FAR. Yeah. Basically i felt like crap. I had to start at the bottom.

I was thinking to myself in bed and desperately trying to sleep with guided meditation. Its been 5 yrs.. its either i go back to steroids, since i cant find a good enough solution. Or i try SHC.. TCM no longer felt like a good way. It felt like TCM didnt do it. Despite it helping here and there thru this 4yrs+ journey. I couldnt take it and fessed to the group. The people there were so encouraging. I talked to JR and Bex who persuaded me to try SHC. The fact is, im pretty manageable everywhere else on my body except my face. Its perhaps wasted to give up 5yrs out of steroids.

But the thing thats been holding me back was the money. Its always been.. when i forced myself to go work last year, it was because of the money. My savings were all spent. Its ironic that im back at square 1 now. I promise myself my next step back into work, i would find a more sustainable solution and not be too hungry for money. Cus in the end if i spend all my savings back into treatment, its pointless. Right?

I just hope.. SHC gives me a way out of this darkness..

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Lost

I realise its been like 1 year since i last posted on this blog. I used to post everyday. Omg.

And exactly like 1 yr ago i had a face flare. Bingo. Now im having one too.

Gah. This is my place to come to count my blessings and take it one day at a time.

Pretty bad this time. Its so red and raw. Its like rock bottom. Horrible. You seriously forget your good and bad days so fast. One week of good skin day and you’re like “IM READY TO WORK FULLTIME NOW”. Then bam. flare. Vicious cycle all over.

Im so ready to work on my candida. I think my root of all evil is candida. Thru taking olive leaf extract past month the tcm finally says my “coat” on my tongue is gone. Good news as an indicator of damp! Also i noticed my finger legions were better.

I was also taking glutathione after much raves in the whatsapp group. Not much of any observation tho. I took 500mg daily up til… i couldnt take the upcoming flare anymore.

So i bought oregano oil extract, serrapeptase(overhyped i guess) to try. Who knew that i would be in sucha big slump now?

So my brother offered to cook me some pasta with gyoza and i ate it. It was full of chilli flakes and gyoza was pan-fried. Regret max. So i would say this flare took 2 weeks to build and explode.

I learnt quite abit past few months. First was the mad search about candida. Cos i realise i have this white discharge thats bothering me. It gets better when i take probiotics religiously. It must be some… bacteria thingo. So i tried olive leaf extract. Seemed to work. 2 weeks+ later its reduced.

Then i read about biofilms. And targetting the yeast. Enzymes. Serrapeptase. Serrapeptase tho. Its touted as anti inflammatory, blood cleansing etc but i guess its not the time to take it for me. I wonder if its the height of the flare or serrapeptase itself, but i oozed more when i took it during that short few days. But i did ooze alot even after i stopped taking it. That was when i recognised my flare.

I stopped olive leaf extracts midway when i read about TH1 and TH2 balance. Since i guess im TH2 and olive leaf extract worsens it. But hey i actually got better taking it. ????

And then i restarted. cos the discharges were back.

Fingers crossed that i will be recovering my sanity soon. So i can get back on track to trying the rest of conquering candida. I have Pau D’arco, oregano oil, olive leaf, digestive enzymes… gonna buy grapeseed extract and Syntol? Maybe candidase?

So also recently there was a stream on fb talking about it. It was by Grace and Ben. Ben’s approach to TSW was to 1. Detox better then eat better, then something about targetting specific eczema types. TBH i was impressed. I thought it would be full of loop holes here and there.

I have the oozy eczema, i am sensitive to heaty food, and i have histamine intolerance. Eating “good” is so hard. F all the high histamine food. All i see about healing this crap is bone f broth, which is high histamines that i cant eat. F.

Well back to the stream. It got me wondering and i was very interested to follow what Ben has to say. Then i read on the internet and talked to my tcm. Seems my tcm doesnt really put “detox” as what he recommends for first time TSW. Can understand why. Ben says in his stream that something about skin problems are indication of liver problems. So for it to get well it needs liver detox. Okay… I was reading around online and some websites said if you detox first and your gut is leaky, its only gonna make u feel even worse. This was what i didnt want when i started on my TSW journey. I didnt want to flare.

So how now, brown cow? I guess i should go back to working on healing abit of my gut again. AGAIN, i say. I felt like i havent made much progress this past 3 years. Its been 3++ years f dam it. When is my life crisis gonna be over? I have been too passive depending on my tcm for everything. ugh. I think tcm ultimately cant clear all the candida from my system. That period of time that was good was incidentally after a course of antibiotics. Boom. And then sometime later i had antibiotics flare. WTH. Now im not sure if antibiotics is good or bad. But just 1 conclusion: GUT BACTERIA.

So what im gonna do when im better from this raw face flare, is to try L-glutamine. Im taking 1~2 digestive enzymes during meals recently, so hopefully, less undigested food to aggravate my gut. and plz heal abit too.

I noticed it again tho. During periods of flare, my mental health can be down the drain. I feel especially jittery. Especially after meals. I can feel it. The surge. I dont know if its the heat of the food making me hot or the food nutrients itself. I get anxiety attacks too. Not the super serious kind but i can feel it. It makes me itch and then my body is tensed and sort of “spirals” from there. Gets worse. And i got to calm myself down. And during good times i dont get this feeling. During good times i seem to be able to handle stress better.

I raid(game) with my group at night and its just unfortunate that currently im in a period of flare. It reminded me of the last ultimate raid. You just want to stop and chill and not raid.

Can i talk about how bad my face is flaring? It drips ooze. The baddest-baddest-worst day: the ooze drips. Every few minutes. Its so raw and sensitive when any wind blows. How the f did i sleep? Yeah. How the F. Im reminded of the good times when my skin is intact and i could lie sideways to browse on my phone. Also i am reminded of the bad days where the ooze sliding down my face makes me jump awake and wipe it with towels. Gosh. Fingers crossed that this phase will be over soon. Past few days its been slowly getting better. Plz get better soon, my dear skin.

I forgot to mention that the start of this month my apartment block was painting and i realise my skin getting worse. But i didnt expect this tbh. My family painted the apartment interior and i survived with no flares. Is facade paint more toxic? :S The base coat smelled terrible. The colourful coat is less pungent.

I wonder if the jitters are histamine(neurotransmitter) related. Histamine from inflammation? Its not like my flare is from histamine rich bone broth. Its from chilli flakes i think. And maybe a over-indulgent month of coffee? SIGH. I was having lots of coffee before this flare happened. Then i stopped. Coffee seems to be contributory. Tis what my gut feels. But F ITS SO GOOD.

OK enough rants this time.