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Wed 19 Feb 2020!

Its finally the eve of the next treatment.

Gotta say the past week has been tough.

LAST NIGHT WAS CRAPPY. I HAD AN ITCH FEST AND SO MUCH REGRETS. I scratched both my collarbones and the chest. FML.

So this morning i showered. Cus all that scratching, i gotta. I was like so dead in bed in the morning because im afraid to face the music. Im afraid to see the damage i did myself.

I washed off that crust in the shower on my chin. FML, i regret. That one moment of weakness..

In the afternoon, my face feels pretty dry and tight. And i have been picking at the scabs abit, some legit dry dropped off. The skin is still pretty bad underneath tho.

Also today on my right arm, theres alot more of those spots thats on other parts of my body.

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Tuesday – 18 Feb 2020

God, these past few days have been tough and long.

I had a rough night yesterday. Didnt eat any melatonin. Didnt sleep well. My left ear was terrible and wet. Inside and out. I was so frustrated with it. I stuffed it with tissue and tried to sleep.

Also, yesterday night was terrible. I tried to sleep on my side and my left cheek started dripping ooze near my lips/nose. UGH. FK. It seems like last night was not as dry as i wanted it to be.

I woke up and received a text from my brother. He wanted me to go collect his parcel that was left just outside my apartment’s door. God Even doing simple things like these stresses me abit. It was hard just for me to fking get out of the bed these past week.

I woke up and seriously contemplated if i should shower. I think i should, cus my fking left ear is so wet, i dont know if its dirty or what. and my face. Some of the good skin feels kinda wet and oozy? FK. And i havent said that my scalp near the ears and at the back near the hairline.. they are kinda not doing too well and have some spots that ooze 😦

Also yesterday i was kinda upset that it seems my flare still hasnt peaked yet. I feel like i suddenly have so many red spots popping up all over my arms, chest, boobs, belly, legs.. ugh. FML. Ok i need to take it one day at a time.

So i showered and felt absolutely great. Thank god. It was terrible when i stepped outta shower. I accidentally pulled some crust off because my hair stuck to my face 😦 But thank god, it didnt waterfall ooze just yet. Looks pretty tame for now. I need to stop fking picking at my crust.

Also i applied for my credit card’s installment. Fingers crossed. Ugh. Im basically in debt now..

Also on diet, i am gonna lose so much weight probably in the next few weeks when this crust situation is on going. I can barely fking eat. But im finding lots of gratitude from a supportive mom thats been cooking me porridge past few days.

JUST 2 MORE DAYS TO NEXT TREATMENT ON THURS! I can survive wed. I can survive wed.

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Day 474 – 1yr 3mths+ – rant. 

The disgusted mrt passenger

this morning i had to Go for my weekly saturday morning japanese class in town. So i took the train and got a seat next to the priority seat(seat for needy passengers). 

At a certain stop came a women probably in her 50s. She was hurriedly looking for a seat and was probably relieved to find an empty one beside me. She sat down and i felt her heave a sigh of relief. But then she turned and saw me, probably my oozy crusty left cheek and probably felt disgusted. She kept turning to stare at me(i didnt turn to look but i could feel it). She was probably panicking cos she keep turning. And i turned to see her expression (if any) and if she was really looking and indeed! Shes looking. And then she touched her own left cheek while i glanced at her. She probably make a tsk and continue to turn. 

When i saw that shes bothered by my crusty cheek, I was practically rolling my eyes all the way 180, 360 degrees upside down, inside out and falling off inside my eye socket. WTF, is there anything wrong? Its not like im touching her or anything. Does she have to keep staring and act panicky? 

I know. I should not let her actions affect me. Afterall, she did not ask(thankfully) or wanted me to respond to her in anyway. But anyway, i turned to her and gave my UBER STINKY, BLACK, EYE ROLLING FACE. And turned back to look straight ahead.

I didnt care if she read my face right nor did i care about her reaction. After afew more minutes of panic, head turn, she stood up and held onto the pole. I figured shes disgusted by my ooze crusty cheek to want to sit beside me. 

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Also went to see the tcm today after a week hiatus and back from taiwan. Im in a bad state i feel. Becos of the oozing crusty cheek and shit from people i get. And my overly concerned naggy parents. 

Flares on visible skin really takes a toll emotionally on top of physically skin wise. All the extra stress you gotta handle. Its easy to say to disregard them, but when you get machinegun-question-firing-concerned parents, that may be another thing altogether. I wonder if my cheek was as bad as my ankle, would people on the train keep an arms distance from me? 

I feel like i need to get my shit together. Should i brave the shit flare on my cheeks and try to work fulltime again? Jo is running out of money and doesnt feel like things will improve in the short run. Yet i want 2 weeks or so for the skin to calm down alittle. But theres no guarantee when it will truly be calm. Sigh.

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Random – things that get me through

Just a random post on things that will give me hope again. There is many times during TSW that we will need some kind of hope and happiness.

Before TSW, i have been reading much about happiness and stuff. Why? I didnt really know what to do in life. I felt my accounting job is not what i am “passionate” about. 

Being grateful is one way to feel happier.

And i want to be grateful for having these:

  • I have tissue paper ready to wipe my tears
  • I have an ipad mini to keep me entertained
  • I have acess to the internet and ITSAN.
  • There are people who went through TSW hell and survived it and blogged their progress to motivate us. 🙂 *HANG IN THERE JO, YOU TOO WILL MAKE IT!*

Okay, back to surfing the web.